Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
your honor my client chooses dare
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!