Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

@ candidates for local office

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Noah

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.