Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
My friend is an excellent librarian.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Fiction has to make sense.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
The most precious boy
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
this article brought to you by lions
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.