remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
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Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house