remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
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Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Everything reminds me of my ex
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep