Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
You Might Also Like
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
middle school in the ’90s
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?