Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!