Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

I want what they have

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please