Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.