Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.