Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

😂😂

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?