Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
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I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.