Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
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Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I miss this era type of pranks😭
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.