Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.