Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO