Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Stop
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”