Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Support your local cemetery
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away