Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
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Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Mood.. 😂
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes