Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
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I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office