Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
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If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays