Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
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there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Cow it started Cow it’s going
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security