Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
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pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*