Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
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Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
“A little help here, Danny?”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Happy thanksgiving!
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be