Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
You Might Also Like
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
My blood type is b hungry.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.