Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
☠️ ☠️
Sticker placement is key.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
How actors in movies eat their food
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women