Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
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I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Breaking news:
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle