Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The happy life.. 😊

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.