Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.