Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT