Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

Monday

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.