Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

no refunds

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

Had to try this trend 😊

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”