Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

I’m putting together a team

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem