Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.