remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
