remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
