Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
You Might Also Like
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises