Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Lmao 😁

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Great game to play with friends

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.