Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now