Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
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My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.