Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
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Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.