Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.