Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
#SaturdayBears