Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT