Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
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I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.