Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]