Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…