Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
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“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.