Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
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Oh. My. God.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
the battle rages on
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.