Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

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“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers


[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd


Me: *flinching* FWERD


I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.


Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no


ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?


Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.


THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.


Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.