remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
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It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
cyclists
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.