remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
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Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.