remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
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God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.