Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
