Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
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As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.