Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
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Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I need to sieze this.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”