Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.