Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

My dog ate my work from home.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.