Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
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me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so