Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank