Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine