Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
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Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting![]()
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.