Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

😂😂

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

No. YOU-buprofen.

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

just pretend nothing happened

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit