Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

*seductively eats two tums*

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

i hate you platonically

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.