Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

ㅤ

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*