Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
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HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way