Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
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I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*