Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

asked my bf how work was today

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Snapes on a plane.

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

#Caturday

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.