Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,