Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
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only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
That took me a moment.
*serious situation*
My brain:
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots