Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

Skip intro

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.