remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Oops I deleted….
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Note to self: always read the final line
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.