remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
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[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
yikes
Bootstraps
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
taking June’s advice to heart
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already