remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!