remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
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My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.