Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

😏😏😏

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.