Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Customize Your Wedding.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio