Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

somebody come look at this

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Finally a use for spoilers…

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it